The Secret Life of Meredith Grey
by Jules3033
Summary: Meredith has been diagnosed with cancer. Who does she rely on, if anyone?
1. Chapter 1

Hey so idk how long this fic will last, I got this idea at a wrestling match... So... Ya... Um so for now I'm just saying there's no Zola (even tho I love her so much) I'm just so bad at writing when it comes to kids.

-  
Meredith sits uncomfortable and alone in a room in the quiet little oncology wing at Seattle Pres. Her hands shake as she tries to take deep calming breaths. "It's probably nothing. They are just testing to double check. The fatigue and loss of appetite and soreness is just the flu. And the fatigue and shortness of breath... I'm probably a little anemic. And the bruising... Well... I'm not thinking about that." She thinks to herself while glaring at the bruises that appeared from nowhere hidden by her jeans.

A doctor walks in and introduces himself with a smile. But she can tell by his tone. The tone they use to tell patients that there is something wrong with them, that her fear that she spent so much time convincing herself wasn't true, is a reality. After a halfhearted conversation with a doctor who's name she won't even remember, she heads home. The entire drive all she could think was "Damn Derek. Why isn't he here. Why is he halfway across the country giving stupid speeches to stupid students. He should be here" but in a way she was relieved. She had time. And she could just not tell people. No one worrying over her. No pity. No pressure. Just solitude.

She walks into her house and walks through each room, reliving memories. Christmas. Thanksgiving. George. Izzie. Little fragments of memories from childhood. Maybe she could manage to keep it a secret. Take a leave of absence. Say she's traveling. Get treated at Seattle Pres. It could work.

-


	2. Chapter 2 (game changer)

So I'm having a writing spee so here I go. Sorry, I'm not using the dream house cuz it doesn't work in my storyline...

By the very next morning Meredith had a plan. She called Richard and have a vague explanation about why she is taking a leave of absence. Something about traveling and volunteering. She called the best oncologist at Seattle Pres and decided on a course of treatment. She would start her first round of chemo the next day. But by noon she had no energy. She was sore, nauseous, and tired. "If all of this would just be over already..." She thought as she drifted to sleep on the sofa, too tired to walk upstairs.

Next day-

Meredith woke up with hope and dread and fear. After changing into the most comfortable sweatpants and tee shirt possible, she drove herself to Seattle Pres.  
Walking in, she was overcome with emotion. "I see this all the time as a doctor, but it's different as a patient. What if..." The room way starting to spin, so Meredith leaned of the wall for support. Once she regained balance, she took a breath and approached the front desk. She signed some papers and walked nervously to the oncology wing

A short while later she was situated in a cushioned chair watching some random intern attempt to insert an IV. After his fifth attempt she couldn't stand to be stabbed anymore. She impatiently corrected him as he just stood there staring as if to say, who are you to correct me? I'm a doctor. She sighs. "Dr. Meredith Grey, SGMW". He just nodded and focused on trying to locate a vain. On his sixth attempt he successfully inserted the needle and walked away. She was left alone with old magazines and her thoughts .

After what seemed like eternities Meredith walked weakly out of Seattle Pres. She glanced at her car and decided it would be a bad idea to drive. She hailed a taxi and arrived home in time to toss some money at the driver and rush inside to empty the contents of her stomach into a small trash bin. Dragging it behind her into the living room she collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion.

- (a few hours later)

Alex unlocks the door and walks in. He hadn't seen Meredith all day, but thought nothing of it. It's usual not to see everyone. It's a pretty big hospital. But seeing her on the sofa like that? He could tell something was wrong. She looked to exhausted to awaken. So he poured himself a glass of wine, sat back, and waited.

He didn't have to wait long though. A few minutes later she awoke with a start and immediately threw up into the garbage can sitting next to the sofa. It wasn't until after when she realized that Alex was standing in front of her with a glass of water. "Shit" she whispered weakly as she gratefully accepted the glass.

"Mer, what's up with you? And don't tell me the flu because I know you. This isn't the flu." She just stared back. "I'm trapped she thought. I can't lie, and I can't tell the truth. Now what?" She thought. She opened her mouth to tell a half truth, but no words would form. She burst out into tears.

Alex had never seen her like this before. Sure, he had seen her through a lot, but not this weak. Watching her cry was nearly unbearable. He sat next to her on the sofa until she had calmed.

Sitting next to Alex, really starting to feel the side affects of chemo, she thought, I can't do this alone. She attempted to sit up straight, but didnt have the energy.

"So what is really wrong with you?" questioned Alex. "Chronic lymphocytic leukemia" was all she whispered back. Those three words caused him to sit in shock. He thought, "not again. This can't be happening. First my wife, and then my closest friend." Suddenly she sits up and heaves into the garbage can. He holds back her hair and waits for her to finish. Once she settles back into the sofa she whispers "dont tell anyone. You are the only one who knows" Alex nods reluctantly.

The next morning Alex was standing in the kitchen attempting to cook eggs. When Meredith walks in he glances up and states,"You look like crap." "Thanks" she replies sarcastically. As soon as she sits at the table he places over cooked eggs and a glass of orange juice in front of her. She snickers "They are burnt." "Hey," Alex states "I tried." She gently pushes the plate away "I never want to eat again." He sits in the chair across from her and becomes serious. "Mer, you really need nutrition. Now more than ever. You are really going to start losing weight soon." She remained silent for a minute. Then she smiled sadly "you suck at cooking. Make me some toast." He nods and throws a price of bread in the toaster. "Should I take off today? You really don't look so-" Meredith cuts him off "no. Don't. I'll be fine. You have to go." He hands her her toast and walks out. As he is leaving he yells "call me if you need anything!"

-  
So ya. That's it for now, don't worry, I have Derek coming back eventually.


	3. Chapter 3 (Ups and Downs)

Sorry for any typos, I'm typing this in school.

Around 11pm Alex walks in. He glances into the living room, and surprisingly Meredith is still awake. Writing intently in a little book. She doesn't notice him until he sits next to her and peeks at her writing. She snaps the book shut quickly. "Watcha writing?" He pesters. "You don't have to check on me. I'm not dying anytime soon" she states, brushing off his question. He nods, ignoring her protests. "So how are you feeling? Have you eaten anything?" Meredith shrugs. Gently placing the leather covered notebook down she follows him into the kitchen. "I feel fine, but I'm really not all that hungry." "At least eat an orange" Alex demands as he tosses her one from behind the fridge. She places it on the table. "Ill eat it for breakfast tomorrow. I promise" he nods. "Well I'm gonna go Mer, but ill try and stop by tomorrow." She goes to the sofa and picks up her notebook and pencil. For the next few hours she sits there, writing. Eventually she falls asleep, leaving a stray line across the page, the book lying by her side, and pencil falling out of her hand.

-next morning-

Meredith wakes up to an empty house. Soaking in the sunshine she walks to the kitchen, picks up the orange, and walks out the front door and onto the porch. She peels it, piece by piece. Dropping each part of the peel drop to the ground. As she nibbled into the orange she thinks "This is a good day. And good days could be rare." She walks back inside leaving the orange peels on the ground. Checking the clock she grabs one of Derek's light jackets. Taking in the smell of him She jogs four blocks to the nearest bus stop. She gets to Seattle Pres and locates her car in the parking lot. "Damn. How am I out of breath. This shouldn't be hard." She thinks as she gets behind the wheel and drives home. She sits down on the sofa too exhausted to move. Alex doesn't stop in.

-

A few days later Meredith is sitting in the kitchen eating ice-cream for breakfast. She figured she might as well be eating what she can while she can. She sets her bowl in the sink on top of the rest of the growing pile. "Why waste time doing dishes" she figures. "Life is too short anyway."

A few hours later a wave of nausea rushes over her. She lies in bed, afraid the slightest move might result in more discomfort. She doesn't move for the rest of the day.  
April lets herself into the house with the key Alex lent her to go check on Meredith. He told her a crummy excuse about Mer having the flu, and that she should make sure that she says hydrated. When she sees April peek in she groans. "Dammit" she mutters as she sits up. Cheerfully flouncing in April opens all the windows "air is good for sick people." She informs her as the opens them all one by one. "You have to get well soon because everyone is worried about you and..." After that everything becomes fuzzy as Meredith falls back asleep.

The next few days were a mixture of good and bad. She would get up, snack a little, get some air, then be in agony. Whenever Alex checked in she would be sleeping. After a week of this Alex made an appointment at Seattle Pres. He takes the day off work and walks into the master bedroom. "Mer, wake up." She groans annoyance and covers her head in a blanket as he opens the closed shades letting the sunshine in. He takes the blanket off of her. "Get up. You're going for tests at Pres." She glares in response "no thanks." "Come on Mer. You look like crap, and hardly get out of bed anymore. I'm worried" he pleads. "Fine" she mumbles. Alex helps her up. She rolls her eyes. "I'm not ineffective. I can get myself ready." He nods and walks downstairs to the kitchen.

Meredith takes her time getting ready. Partially because she didn't want to go, but mostly because she was too weak. Even though she was trying to eat as much as she can, she was still losing weight. As she steps into the shower she gasps. Taking in the angry bruises spread across her legs and abdomen she stands there speechless. For awhile she just stands there, letting the water run over her. Meredith steps out of the shower and quickly wraps a towel around herself, trying to keep from looking at more bruises than she has too. She gently pulls on jeans and I long sleeve shirt. Glancing in the mirror she nods.

Alex glances over when he hears her walking downstairs. "You look pretty good" he compliments. "I look good? Or just not pathetic and cancery?" she muses. He frowns. Meredith sighs. "I'm sorry evil spawn" she smiles a little "I'm just... nervous. I feel worse. And I don't like being in hospitals if I'm not a doctor." He hands her a piece of toast and walks out to start the car. A few minutes later she follows him out.  
_

Reviews make my day!


	4. Chapter 4 (Worse)

**I'm warning you, I'm not a doctor. Just an average teenager. So please don't freak if I have something wrong. But constructive criticism is always appreciated! **  
**-**

Meredith sits in the car and let's out a shaky breath. "What if I'm worse? You've seen me. I feel worse. And my abdomen is sore and " Alex stares at the road. he cuts her off "I'm sure you're fine Mer."

They drive in silence the rest of the way to Seattle Pres. Alex gets out of the car and opens Meredith's door for her. Taking in her appearance he thinks about how fragile she looks. And weak. And tired. She got tired really fast.

As Meredith steps out of the car she closes her eyes and leans on the open door. Alex watches her carefully. "You ok?" She nods her head and opens her eyes. "Dizzy spell. I'm fine." He closes the car door and walks close to her in fear that she will faint.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Alex asks when a nurse calls her in. "No, I'm fine" Meredith insists.

A little later she walks out looking exhausted. They leave the hospital in silence, Meredith leaning on him for support.

-next afternoon-

Meredith grabs her cellphone on the first ring. The caller ID says Seattle Presbyterian. She nods "yes, yes, I know what that means, yes, thank you." She sits on the sofa in shock.  
She picks up a piece of lined paper and writes.

Cristina,  
If you are reading this I have probably died. Today I learned something devastating. I have Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, stage 3 and probably spreading. I try so hard to tell myself I will be fine, but I'm a doctor, and I know the chances, and I'm so damn tired and sore. I am writing this to you incase I die. Hopefully someone will find this and give this to you. Thank you for always being there, and I'm sorry if you didn't know. I just cant put this burden on you. You are my person, you always will be.

She folds the letter and places it in an envelope. She writes Cristina on the front and takes puts it in the closet with her mothers diaries.

-(that night)-  
Alex walks in with a load of groceries. He places them on the counter and starts putting away them away. When Mer walks in he could tell something was wrong. She was in despair. He smiles despite it. "Did you get your blood results?" She looks at the ground. "Ya, it's um, well it's spreading and my symptoms point to stage III, I have more tests tomorrow to confirm and then I'll be discussing a treatment plan..." She looks up with tears in her eyes. "what if I don't want to fight it? I mean, it's gonna be a lot and..." Alex cuts her off "don't make any decisions yet." She sobs and sinks to the floor. "I'm so damn tired Alex. And it's only going to get more aggressive." "You've been through so much. Don't you dare give up yet. This is still treatable."

She looked so weak on the floor. He bends down and helps her up. Putting her arm over his shoulder he takes her upstairs. "She's really light" he thinks, noticing her weight loss. "she's always been skinny, but this is really underweight." He sets her upstairs and says goodnight.

Alex walks out to his car and puts his head on the steering wheel. It just isn't fair. This can't happen again. He picks up his phone and dials a number. "Hello? Yes, yes, it's Alex. Could we uh get a drink or something? I need to talk to you, it's pretty important."

**-**  
**It's short, I know, but I'm not sure who he's calling yet... Is that bad?**


	5. Chapter 5 (Transition)

**If my use of the word sipping bothers you, sorry. I just don't like the word drink. It bothered me just to type it, but I thought you should know...**

Alex sits at Joe's, sipping a beer, waiting for April. Honestly? He had no idea why he called her. They had never been good friends, and he found her annoying. But he needed someone's help. He knew that Meredith would probably end up needing chemo as an inpatient, so someone should be there at least twice a day to check up and make sure she's ok. And being a surgeon is pretty demanding. He needs help.

He looks up when April takes the seat next to him. She looks at Alex, curious as of why he would want to meet her here. He not waiting for her to ask, he knocks back the last of his beer and sighs. "Meredith doesn't have the flu."

April looks at him confused. "Are you sure? I really don't think she's faking it. She looked really sick-" Alex cuts her off, "cancer." "What?" she asks quietly. He looks at the floor "Yeah. It spread more than we originally thought so treatment is going to get more vigorous and I can't keep an eye on her by myself. Are you in?" She nods.

After sitting a few minutes in stunned silence April manages to form a sentence "where the hell is her husband?" Alex looks up, a little shocked. Did The Virgin Mary just curse? "In New York. Doing that teaching thing. Ever since that fight. Remember?"

She did. The whole week after it was all anyone could gossip about. One day the happiest couple in the hospital was suddenly cold. The next day Derek was gone and Meredith was silent. Still, no one knows what happened. Meredith refused to discuss it. That was almost three months ago.

(That same night, Meredith's POV)

Meredith was walking back and forth between her closet and the duffel bag on her bed, packing the necessary items she would need for staying in the hospital. Despite Alex's arguments she refused to seek treatment at Seattle Grace.

Once the bag was full she pushed it onto the floor and got in bed. She stared at the wall for awhile, dreading the next morning. Her first time being treated as an inpatient.

The next morning seemed to come faster than usual. She comes downstairs to the smell of pancakes. Peeking into the kitchen she sees Alex setting out plates. He looks up and sees her smiling. "You made pancakes?" Meredith asks. He laughs "Kinda. I bought them at the store. All I had to do was microwave them." She picks one up and eats half. "Not bad" she approves before setting it down. He looks at her and frowns. "I can't really help than I'm not hungry." "Mer, we had this conversation. You are losing weight. You need nutrition." She rolls her eyes and finishes the remaining half.

Early that afternoon Meredith was settled in a hospital bed and Alex was questioning every doctor and nurse who walks by. "You don't need to stay Alex. I'm fine here." He looks at her like she's crazy. "How's the chemo settling?" She raises her eyebrows. "Point taken evil spawn"

Not much later his pager goes off.  
"ER?" Alex nods and Meredith smiles longingly. Noticing her mood Alex looks back as he walks towards the door "Get better and you will be back to work showing us all up in no time." She smiles weakly as he walks out.

As soon as his footsteps fade Meredith lies back trying to soothe that wave of nausea that was washing over her.

-  
**Finale this week! I'm excited! Stupid stupid Arizona. Callie will never feel good enough. I no longer go with the hashtag CalzonaStrong. I prefer WalkTallTorres and CallieStrong. Haha oh well. I really do hope that work it out by the premier. (Like that will happen)**

**Anyway, review and leave me suggestions, I need help coming up with ideas for this!**


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